One of my closest friends just called to tell me how she's been coping after enduring another round of chemo. We were shooting the shit for a few minutes and then she dropped this: "The chemo didn't work. The doctors are giving me six to ten weeks to live -- can I see you before then?"
What am I supposed to say to that? "Not sure. I'll have to consult my calendar to make sure the timing of this doesn't conflict with my fun-filled weekend plans at Rehoboth Beach."
Although I anticipated this outcome based on her recent health deterioration, it still caught me off-guard. We met in our 9th grade Earth Science class and have remained best buds. She's only 38.
I got quiet, put my hand over the phone and kinda broke down, trying hard to not let her hear. I wouldn't recommend doing that. It's a bit like holding in a sneeze. It hurts. When she sensed that I was upset, she said, and I quote, "I'm so sorry."
No, I'm so sorry.
She's remained unbelievably positive since she was diagnosed with melanoma three years ago. I don't know how she does it. She's survived many surgeries and radiation treatments. It spread from her lymph nodes to her brain to her stomach. Throughout it all she is still smart and funny as ever. Steroids have kept her alive but even she'll admit that they have caused her to balloon up like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.
She considers herself lucky knowing that she has time to say goodbye to everyone and to be able to make sure her husband and 5-year-old son are all set for life without her. She said, "Most people leave this world unexpectedly without being able to do that." She is right, of course. But it's hard to see it that way.
It just seems so cruel. Her only other sibling, a sister, died from scleroderma at the age of 34.
She asked if I would be willing to "DJ her memorial service."
Awkward!
I'm like, "You want me to take everyone on a musical journey with peak-hour diva anthems and then end with post-peak progressive tribal beats?" She said, "No. I want you to make a CD with songs that remind you of me and play it at the service." Ooooooh. I can do that. "'The Humpty Dance' reminds me of you," I said. "Yes, play that and 'Baby Got Back!'" "People are going to think I'm weird but if that's what you want me to play, I will." I thought she was serious. She later admitted she was only kidding, but then added, "Hmm. Let me think about it. It would be different!"
Bobbie has never been conventional. She was never a fan of marriage, so when she finally decided to get hitched she eloped on February 29th, a leap year. "We only have to celebrate every four years!"
We've been through so much together. So many good times to cherish. We spent a week in the Bahamas when we were 19, and more recently, we traveled to Barcelona and Sitges for a couple weeks.
When she had her son five years ago, she mellowed out and became the most amazing mother. I wrote about our visit to his 4th birthday party last year here. I also wrote about her back when I started this blog.
Interesting factoid: Bobbie's father, Bob Burrus, was an accomplished actor in the Louisville theatre scene back in the 70's and '80's. He made his feature film debut at the age of 70 in an independent film called Tully. He was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Best Debut Performance in that role but lost to the chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. If you get a chance you should rent the DVD. He was remarkable.
People often express disdain for the poking feature on Facebook, but it's been a great way for Bobbie to keep in touch with me when she hasn't felt well enough to call or write an email. Her pokes had stopped the past couple of weeks, so I knew something was wrong.
Her mother has rented a beach house on the Outer Banks for the first two weeks of September. We are scheduled to go. It will just be her family, her mother, and me and Rob. I'm really hoping we are still able to do this. Quality time is important right about now. It will be like Beaches! If time isn't on our side, we will rush down to see her in Raleigh one last time.
This is all very surreal. I wasn't even sure I should write about it. I called and asked her for permission. She felt it was an easier way to let other friends and acquaintances know. So now they know.
I'll leave you with this quote she has posted on her Facebook page:
This is the voice of experience....Life is too short. Don't waste it in anger or resentment. Enjoy your family and friends. Try to be aware of all the little things in life. You'll smile more...trust me.
Word.
I love you, Bobbie. You're one in a million.
UPDATE: Ten days later.
All that I know of you I've read on these pages these past few years and I have to admit I got teary reading your post, knowing what it's like to lose a dear friend. Tears from a stranger might not bring much solace, but they're yours all the same. My thoughts go out to you.
hey durban bud....the poignancy of this blog and your work has often moved me profoundly over the last 6 months since i started reading it. I have given Kangen Water to hundreds over the last 18 months and it has recovered their health, some with extreme speed...even 3 cases of stage 4 cancer that were terminal....dis-ease thrives in an acidic environment. I've heard of another with only days to live and that was 6 months ago.... the high pH and the high anti-oxidants will make some serious changes for your friend Bobbie.
will you please allow me to connect you with someone in her area for water? I understand you don't know me from ANY hill of beans. go to my website(s). you will find my contact number. please call with ANY questions. I can let you speak to several people whom have recovered wellness quickly by making a few changes and started drinking Kangen Water.
most sincerely, Dan
www.kangenwaterusa.com/CancerSurvivalStory.html
You are very lucky to have such a special person in your life and she is very lucky to have you as well. I wish the both of you a gracious departure.
Can I say how appalled that I am that someone would have the guts to post an advertisement on this thread. I can't image anyone trolling through google looking for posts regarding cancer so he/she can sell a mysterious magic potion. There is a special ring of hell for people like this.
I apologize is this is an actual friend of yours. If he/she is, a personal email would have been more appropriate.
In closing, be sure to enjoy the time you have together; savor it and have it serve as the memories to get you through your grief.
Best wishes--russ
OMG, I'm so sorry. How horrible for everyone involved.
She sounds like an awesome woman.
This is so sad TJ. I am sorry to hear the news about your friend Bobbie. Be there for her in the best way you can... making her laugh. Big hugs to both of you.
I'm so sorry to read about this, but I'm glad you were able to share it, rather than holding it in. I'm amazed by people like Bobbie who are faced with such tragic news, yet manage to stay positive and strong for those around them.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope your visit goes off without a hitch.
xoxo - JP
TJ - Sorry for your friend and your touching post made me tear up. Melanoma is a Bitch. My brother is stage four and has been fighting the battle for nine years...he was told he'd be dead in two...I truly hope your friend Bobbie rallies and gets some more time with her friends and family.
TJ
My heart breaks for everyone involved in this situation especially Bobbie's child who will lose their mother at such an early age. You've been a wonderful friend to her over the years and I am glad you will have some time with her. I have very fun memories of Bobbie, thank you for introducing us back in the 17th Street days. Much love to all of you.
There's probably not much I can add to the groundswell of emotion here right now, but I'm learning more and more about you with every visit, and this was just lovely. Such beautiful words befitting someone who's touched your life.
Considering you shared a laugh over it, I reckon Baby Got Back might be the way to go for the beach-house theme... Don't wait, use it now!
Thanks for sharing with us what couldn't have been easy to write. My thoughts go out to you, Bobbie and her family.
Bobbie has been there since the beginning of our relationship. Fourteen years ago I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time. TJ and I had just started dating and Bobbie came in to visit and meet the new boyfriend. She preferred to drive at night and arrived late in the evening. She was driving a two-seater, red sports car – completely appropriate for her enthusiastic personality and red hair. Upon meeting she gave me the “take care of TJ or I will kill you” talk (or something like that), and with that out of the way she immediately embraced me - literally. I am so grateful for the fun and crazy adventures we have had with Bobbie. On our trip to Spain, Bobbie became the mayor of Sitges. TJ and I would be walking through the village and Bobbie would run over with a stranger and say to them, "These are the guys I was telling you about." By the end of the trip she knew every gay man in Sitges – Spanish, Russian, Finnish, Cuban – she met ALL of them. For many years Bobbie never missed our Oscar parties. She ventured to Rehoboth with us and even danced into the early morning at Tracks and Nation. Seeing Bobbie as a loving and attentive mother is no surprise, she has always had the maternal instinct and her son is a wonderful child because of it. In a time of great despair when TJ and I struggled with addiction Bobbie reached out, her conversations were comforting to me. I am truly disheartened by her diagnosis and cannot bear the thought of seeing this happen again to someone we love so soon after my own father’s death from cancer. I am going to heed her own words and use the time we have left together to tell her how much I cherish those memories and say goodbye.
We love you Bobbie.
Wow.
Life is short, and we do not have too much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel this way with us. So be swift to love and make haste to be kind.
Thank you for posting this, TJ, even though it must have been difficult for you to write it. It certainly puts things into perspective for me. So often, we forget to take the time to really enjoy our lives while we can. We think that we're invincible and that there will always be more time. None of us ever really knows, however, just how long we have here in this life. At least now, though, I am reminded just how precious every minute of that time here is meant to be. Be strong. Our thoughts are with you.
Wow, what a story. She sounds amazing and you sound like a great friend :)
j
Made me well up a little. Losing people is never easy, and now you get the chance to enjoy some time with her before and celebrate her life! I hope you take advantage of this time.
Sorry I missed the reference in FB. This is truly one of the most difficult things you can ever experience. It is one thing to lose your relatives as they age, etc., but someone your own age you've spent years with? Wow. You are approaching it absolutely correct though, you'll embrace it and make sure you see her soon. My cousin endured a brain tumor for some years, and to this day, I am happy I spent a couple days a week there that last few months..... But you know that....This was powerful stuff to share.....best to both you and Rob these next few weeks.
I read this yesterday and can't stop thinking of you and Rob and Bobbie. My heart breaks over this, and I don't understand why these kinds of things happen. I remembered her from your previous post. She sounds amazingly brave, and you sound like a good friend. xo
Guys,
Know that the comfort and strength of alot of strong arms are reaching out to you all in this time of hardship and distress.
Know that wishes of strength and perseverence will ome from your love for her and her love to you both.
Peace.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. My best to all of you.
So sorry about Bobbie, and about the emotional toll her condition is having on you, too. Best wishes.
I am so blessed to have met Bobbie and shared some ridiculously happy and fun times with her in DC and in Rehoboth! Bobbie, TJ, and Rob, please know how much love I am sending to each of you now. If a person's success in life may be judged by the happiness they bring to others, Bobbie has been wildly successful and has added so much to the lives of so many. And now Bobbie, thank you for setting such a wonderful, strong example of how to deal with this most difficult and sad and painful time. Thank you for all you've shared and given. Thank you thank you thank you. much love, todd
Gosh, I am so, so sorry to read this about Bobbi. You both hang in there, ok?
After losing Cary, I know there is nothing that can be said that will make this easier for you, or Rob, or Bobbie. I wish there was because my heart breaks for you all. So I'll just say I'll be thinking of you. And I'm here. Anytime.
I haven't known what to say until tonight. I'm not sure if dance means anything to you, but when I saw this tonight on So You Think You Can Dance, I thought of you and Bobbi. Your relationship with each other is obviously very special. Peace to you both.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw
Bobbi sounds fabulous. My thoughts are with you, sweetness.
Jesus I hate reading things like this. You wrote it pretty damned beautifully though. I'm gonna go cry a little now, thanks.
I wish I had been reading your blog and paying more attention to what was going on. There's a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I feel so stupid and selfish. I was in LA when I saw the Facebook status update... Maybe Bobbie was sending me a signal from heaven since I was at the gayest bar on West Hollywood... I know we need to remember the good times but I'm really hating myself for drifting away... I do consider myself lucky to have known her. Of course now I need to find those photos... You remember the ones... Don't worry I won't post them but I will send you copies... Peace TOS
wow awsome story,
my best wishes with you,
This post make me cry